Choose happy

Becoming book cover

I love it when a book I’m reading gives me a light bulb moment and I realize I need to seriously change my perspective or my behavior. That’s what happened the other night while I was reading Becoming, Michelle Obama’s memoir.

The light bulb had nothing to do with politics or race. It had everything to do with being a busy wife and mother who feels exhausted and overwhelmed.

When Barack Obama served as an Illinois state senator, he spent many days every week away from home. This created tension in his marriage with Michelle, who also worked outside of the home and cared for their two young daughters.

The tension got so bad that Michelle suggested they go to marriage counseling. Barack agreed, and Michelle went into counseling expecting validation for all of the things she thought were wrong in her marriage.

Instead, she realized what she was doing wrong. She says:

I began to see that there were ways I could be happier and that they didn’t necessarily need to come from Barack’s quitting politics… I’d been stoking the most negative parts of myself, caught up in the notion that everything was unfair and then assiduously, like a Harvard-trained lawyer, collecting evidence to feed that hypothesis. I now tried a new hypothesis: It was possible that I was more in charge of my happiness than I was allowing myself to be.

Michelle Obama, Becoming

Wow. Being in charge of my own happiness. Now, that’s a concept I’ve forgotten of late. My marriage is great, my kids are fantastic, but I’m tired and overwhelmed and often feel like there is not enough time for everything I want and need to do. I spin myself into a grumpy knot of resentment and exhaustion and am helpful and loving to no one.

That’s not the way I want to do this gig.

I have a magnet hanging on my fridge:

Do more of what makes you happy

Perhaps it’s been there so long I’ve become numb to the message. It’s time to change that.

I can be happy. I can choose to do things each day that bring me joy. Yes, I will still have the laundry and weeding and bills and deadlines and groceries and all the things I don’t like. But I can have the good things too, and I can focus on them instead of what drains me.

I’m not done with Becoming yet, but when I am, I’ll give you a full review, including more nuggets of wisdom from an intelligent, thoughtful woman.

You know she went to Princeton and then Harvard Law, right?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Why You Should Read My Dear Hamilton

These days, I’m often discouraged by the hostile political climate in our country. Sometimes I worry there is so much arguing that America will fail to progress, or worse, that it might actually fall apart. Reading My Dear Hamilton: A Novel of Eliza Schuyler Hamilton by Stephanie Dray and reminded me that conflict and scandal have always been a part of our country’s history, especially at its beginning.

Perhaps because of School House Rock or the paintings of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, I’ve always imagined our Founding Fathers as a friendly, cooperative group of men who worked together to unite our country. In reality, there were not only serious disagreements between Washington, Jefferson, and Hamilton about how to establish our government, but also nasty personal attacks and scandals.

Sound familiar?

My Dear Hamilton is historical fiction written from the perspective of Eliza Schuylar Hamilton, the daughter a of famous Revolutionary War general and the wife of Alexander Hamilton. The novel covers most of Eliza’s impressively long life, from her days as a young woman visiting battle fields to her final years as a widow fighting to preserve her husband’s legacy. I enjoyed America’s First Daughter, also by Stephanie Dray, and wanted to learn more about the rivalry between Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson, one of my favorite historical figures.

What I liked

Dray presents the Founding Fathers and their families as fascinating, feuding characters who all are passionate about establishing a democracy but who disagree on the best way to do it. There are violent protests and eloquent speeches, alliances and betrayals. I was surprised to learn how precarious the security of our country was in those early years, although I shouldn’t have been.

An entire generation was growing up in a world without sure principles by which to live in peace. And I couldn’t help but wonder, would my own son, after what he’d seen in the streets, come of age believing that there was no way to solve any problem but with a club or a pistol?

Stephanie Dray, My Dear Hamilton: A Novel of Eliza Schuyler Hamilton

Eliza Hamilton is a great narrator for this story of rebellion and independence. She is a strong female lead who isn’t afraid to challenge her mercurial husband or his contemporaries. She uses an intriguing blend of fortitude and introspection to meet the many challenges of her life, including being at the center of the nation’s first major sex scandal, thanks to Alexander Hamilton’s infidelity. I was inspired by her strength and felt compassion for the many tragedies she endured.

I’m a UVA grad and a huge fan of Thomas Jefferson, always eager to learn more about his life, even if what I find isn’t flattering. My Dear Hamilton presents a different side of Jefferson, one that characterizes him as too revolutionary and even dangerous. At one point, Eliza suggests that Jefferson was involved in the death of a journalist who published stories about Jefferson’s relationship with one of his slaves. Was that just nasty political gossip, or is there truth to Eliza’s assertion? I’ll have to do more research.

What I didn’t like

My Dear Hamilton cover

My Dear Hamilton felt long to me, but that could be because historical fiction isn’t my favorite genre. Many times, especially near the end, I thought the story dragged on unnecessarily.

With historical fiction, I always wonder how much liberty the authors take, and how much I can believe. Stephanie Dray includes extensive comments at the end of her novel and admits that she didn’t have many letters written by Eliza Hamilton to work with; the authors often made assumptions based on the writing of other people.

I listened to the audio version of My Dear Hamilton, and the narration was well done.

Recommendation

If you like historical fiction, or learning about the Founding Fathers, or a good strong female lead, you will probably enjoy My Dear Hamilton.

Have you read any other interesting books about the Founding Fathers or their wives that you can recommend?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Embrace the Change, Part II

Change is hard for me. I guess that’s why I have to write about it so much. I’m beginning to realize that motherhood is not only an unending training course in patience and humility, it’s also a recurring lesson in dealing with change. And clearly, I need the training.

Obviously, kids change. They go from diapers and sippee cups (thank goodness!) to sports equipment and school supplies to drivers licenses and tuition payments. I’ve been good with all of the other changes, (woo hoo, no more elementary school pick up line!), but I’m still struggling with the latest evolution in our family: the launch phase.

Last week, I took my eldest child back to school for his second year of college. And after we moved in his clean laundry, and I took him to the store to stock up on pasta and ground beef, he looked at me and said, “You’re gonna head out after this, right?”

Right. Because we had spent most of the day together, and he wanted to set up his space, and I had a long drive home. I left shortly thereafter, and I’m proud to say, I only got a bit teary. It was a huge improvement over the complete undoing I experienced one year ago when we left him in his dorm room hanging his posters.

However, while I was gone, child number two, the daughter who can’t wait to go to college, was filling out her Common App and plotting the best SAT strategy to get into her top choice schools. While I share her excitement about the next phase in her education (but not her enthusiasm for a school on the other side of the country), I am silently dreading the fact that next year, I will be dropping off two children at college.

In one year, only half of my children will live at home.

In six years, none of them will.

I've Been Thinking cover

Fortunately, while I’ve been wrestling with this transitional stage of motherhood, I’ve been reading Maria Shriver’s book I’ve Been Thinking: Reflections, Prayers, and Meditations for a Meaningful Life. Shriver is a little older than me, and her book covers many topics I can relate to, with devotions on things like “The Power of Letting Go” and “Why Finding Acceptance is the Path to Peace”. Shriver mentions God and her religion often, but the book isn’t overly preachy. There are very few Biblical references. It’s more about her middle age struggle to find peace as her life undergoes significant change.

One of my favorite passages is from a reflection entitled: “We Are the Ones We’ve Been Waiting For”. In it, Shriver shares a poem she has hanging in her office that is attributed to the elder of a Hopi tribe in Arizona. It’s long, but here’s the part I found most inspiring:

There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are torn apart and will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.

“A Hopi Elder Speaks, Hopi Nation, Oraibi, Arizona

When I last wrote about embracing change, I mentioned that “opening feels better than clutching”. I think that’s what this Hopi elder was getting at. Fear may drive us to hold on to the shore, to the way things used to be, but resisting the changing force of life will only tear us apart. Better to unclutch and join the flow with our eyes open. The river has a destination, and I’m sure it’s a good one, and if we’re scared, we can reach out to other people who are sharing the ride.

You know what I did when I left eldest child at his college home? I met a dear friend, one who has three children scattered across the country, and we drank tea and laughed and sent our kids a Snap selfie.

We met in the middle of the river to celebrate.

How do you adapt to life’s changes? I welcome all input!

Thanks for getting thoughtful with me!

What does “sophomore” mean?

It’s the first day of school around here, and as another academic year begins, I am close to being the mother of FOUR teenagers, aged 13-19. (Mothering four young children takes lots of physical stamina, but mothering four teens? That takes emotional stamina, regular exercise, lots of wine, and a few close friends who are excellent listeners.)

Out of my four teens, two will be sophomores this year, one in college, one in high school. When I realized this fun fact, I had a flashback from my own high school years, when my very cultured world civ teacher explained to us that “sophomore” means “foolish wise person”.

As a 15 year old, I was offended. As a 48 year old mother, I get it.

Child number one has a year of college on his record, plus summer classes. He’s grown intellectually and emotionally (and physically, thanks to a weight lifting program), but it’s obvious that even though he’s a responsible young adult, he still has some growing to do.

Same for the high school sophomore. He’s much taller than me, survived freshman year unscathed, and feels pretty confident rolling into 10th grade. But he’s also learning how to drive, and this morning we careened through a curve because he didn’t brake enough going into the turn.

So much to learn. Luckily, both of my sophomores like learning.

According to Merriam-Webster, sophomore comes from the Greek words sophistēs, meaning “wise man” or “expert,” plus mōros, meaning “foolish.” (Word nerd note: we get the word moron from mōros.) A sophomore, therefore, is a “wise fool”.

Centuries ago, students at English universities like Cambridge and Oxford were called sophisters. Sophister could be used like philosopher, but it also frequently referred to young and not-yet-wise people with immature reasoning skills.

Fitting term, don’t you think?

Of course, eldest child studies at the University of Virginia, where the terms freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior aren’t used. Instead, students are called “first years”, “second years”, etc. The founder of The University, Thomas Jefferson, rejected the typical student labels, as “senior” implies a student has reached the highest level of learning, and Jefferson believed in life long education.

Did you know the backstory on sophomore? Do you think the word and its meaning accurately describe the sophomores you have known? Can you share any other interesting terms from academia?

If you like to learn new words and the origins of their meanings, visit the Wondrous Words Wednesday meme at Bermuda Onion. Each Wednesday, bloggers share new words they’ve learned.

Happy new school year, and thanks for getting nerdy with me.

A reading quote

Reading quote

Summer is quickly slipping away. Soon I will have to deliver my oldest back to college and start packing lunches. Between the weeding and the constant food prep for my teens and their pals, I’m having a hard time making time for writing. So I give you this quote, fitting for this time of long summer evenings and political debates.

I hope you are making time for the things you love, including your friends, family, and books. I also hope you are being nice to each other.

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Summer Sports: The origin of racket

racket

While my youngest child and I were playing “track ball” in the back yard yesterday, we got into a discussion about the word “racket”. (Youngest child often wonders about the origin of words, like hamburger. What a good Word Nerd offspring he is!)

I guessed that “racket” came from French, “racquet”, and I was right! Here is the origin of the word “racket”.

According to Online Etymology Dictionary, racquet or racket was used as far back as 1500 to describe a “handled hitting device used in tennis, etc”. It comes from the French word racquet meaning a “racket for hitting” or “palm of the hand”. Turns out, the game of tennis started with medieval French knights who would play a game by striking a ball with the palm of their hand. (Ouch?) Racquet might also come from Italian racchetta or Spanish raqueta, both often said to be from Arabic rahat, a form of raha “palm of the hand”.

Word Nerd side note: “tennis” comes from French tenez, imperative of tenir “to hold, receive, take”, which was used as a call from the server to his opponent.

Now, may I suggest that you pick up a racket, go outside, and enjoy the summer weather! (And impress your playing partners with some Word Nerd knowledge!)

Wondrous Words Wednesday

If you like to learn new words and the origins of their meanings, visit the Wondrous Words Wednesday meme at Bermuda Onion. Each Wednesday, bloggers share new words they’ve learned.

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!