Who I Am

How to build bridges

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 3 Comments

I was waiting in line outside of a Bank of America branch mentally preparing to clean out my father’s safe deposit box. He had recently died, and I was in the throes of managing everything that comes with the death of a loved one. Tears came easily those days. I stood in my fragile state on the sidewalk in line behind three people, all of us wearing masks and spaced six feet apart, waiting for the branch to open.

While we watched, a man walked from the parking lot to the front of the line and looked through the tinted glass door into the building. He glanced at the posted hours of operation, and planted himself at the front of the line. A man ahead of me in line called to the man at the door. “Hey, you need to wait in line like the rest of us.” The man at the door turned and yelled, “I have an appointment” followed by several expletives.

“It doesn’t matter, you need to wait in line,” the man in front of me said. The man at the door narrowed his eyes and approached the man in line. “You don’t know who you are dealing with. I will kill you, man. Don’t mess with me.”

I have several silly anxieties – fear of heights, fear of closed in places, fear of snakes. But in that moment, my legs shook with terror. Hate and anger seeped from the men’s bodies and heated the air around us. A third man got in the middle of the confrontation and tried to calm things down. “It’s not that deep, ya’ll,” he said. I was grateful for his attempts to find peace. I was also terrified for him.

His reasonable words didn’t help. The two men continued to exchange threats until bank employees opened the doors to let customers in. I kept a safe distance from the arguing men, although at least three times, I heard the man from the door shout death threats to the man who had been waiting in line. The situation finally resolved when the angry man from the door was ushered off to a cubicle and the man from the line was helped at a teller window.

A bank employee gave me access to my father’s safe deposit box and escorted me to a private room for viewing its contents. I closed myself in the room and sobbed, for the loss of my dad, for my fear, for the tension between those two strangers.

We need common ground

We live in a world where hostility, anger, and aggression color our rhetoric and interactions. So many times, I think to myself, how do we move forward from this? How do we get past all of the hate and posturing?

Fortunately, I’m not alone. I see articles and podcasts with titles like “Finding Common Ground” and take courage. Once, our pastor, Lon Tobin, issued homework during his sermon: find someone who you don’t know or agree with and have a conversation with them. Not to prove or persuade them to see things your way, but just to appreciate the complicated person sitting next to you.

If only we could issue nationwide homework.

The media –social and print and broadcast- wants us to see people in one dimension at extreme ends of a hypothetical spectrum. If we believe what the media sells, people are either smart or totally idiotic. They are patriots or engaging in treason. They have high morals or they are heathens. That’s what sells. That’s what holds attention.  And that’s exactly what fosters conflict.

But that’s not who we really are. Instead, we each embody a complicated mix of failure and success, intelligence and foolishness, compassion and reason. We rarely fit neatly into any category, yet we’ve lost our ability to appreciate nuance.  To move forward, we must get that back.

How to create safe space

My college aged daughter has taken to using the phrase, “I tried to create space to have a discussion about this.” I love this idea of making space for differing opinions, for things that don’t get solved easily, for holding conflicting ideas in the same hand. We definitely need more space, but how do we create it?

When I try to see someone as a whole person, not a stereotype or derogatory nick name or political symbol, I think about what makes them human. What do we share? Admittedly, this is hard in a moment of conflict, but if we practice this when things aren’t tense, we will be more able to do so when they are.

What do we share?

First, we all have emotions, for better or worse. When someone displays anger or hostility, instead of getting defensive or reactive, we can think about what might cause the behavior. Anger and hostility often come from loss, and we can create safe space by acknowledging the wounds other people carry. We didn’t necessarily create them nor do we have to heal them, but we should recognize them. And remember that we carry our own wounds that sometimes manifest in ugly ways.

Which gets me to my next point. We are all flawed, physically and mentally. We all walk around in bodies that bring us joy and frustration. We can connect over illness, pain and limitations no matter our political affiliation or ethnic background. Our mortal bodies unite us.

We also have mental limitations. We are prone to misinterpretation and self-preservation. Our memory sometimes fails us, our emotions mar our judgement. We must accept this about ourselves, and, perhaps more importantly, about others.

Finally, we are all driven by love. We have friends and family we adore and respect. Maybe we are lonely and looking for love. Most of us know the acute pain of losing someone we care about. The entanglements of love are, fortunately and unfortunately, something we can all relate to.  And another good place to start connecting.

Join me in creating space!

Maybe if the two men outside of that Bank of America branch could have stopped and thought about the needs, emotions, flaws, hurts of the other person, and acknowledged their own, they would not jumped to threats and hostility. Maybe not.

I couldn’t control them, but I can control me. I can approach every interaction with appreciation for the human being across from me – a person with valid emotions, wounds, and an imperfect body and mind, just like me.

How are you managing the hostility around us these days? Share your insights in the comments.

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Words and Technology

How to steer clear of misinformation and disinformation

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 7 Comments

I’ve talked about misinformation and disinformation before, but the war in Ukraine has revived my concern about how individuals, organizations, and governments can use false information to sway public opinion. I was saddened, but not surprised, to read an article in The New York Times which reported that many Ukrainian people cannot convince their relatives in Russia that a war is going on. The Russians, based on the information the Kremlin is feeding them, simply don’t believe Russia is attacking Ukraine and killing civilians. Disinformation clouds their vision of the truth.

Social media platforms acknowledge the issue of disinformation and are adding fact checkers and attaching warning labels to suspicious content. However, so much gets posted each day, it’s hard to filter through it all. And, social media platforms reward posts that attract attention and go viral quickly, so any attempts to stifle disinformation go against the natural drive of the social media business model.

Clearly, we cannot depend solely on social media sites to manage the problem of misinformation. We must prepare ourselves to spot bad information and combat it. But how?

Several interesting articles and podcasts have been published lately with great tips for recognizing and investigating disinformation. The short lesson: approach all posts with skepticism. But here are a few specific things you can do to limit the spread of bad information.

Slow down

Don’t share a post right away. Take a few minutes to fact check and see if it’s valid. Do not re-share the post until you are sure it is solid information from a reliable source. There are lots of ways to approach this.

Watch for emotional triggers

If a post makes a strong appeal to an emotional reaction, be suspicious. Ask yourself why the creator of the post wants to elicit an emotion from you (good or bad) instead of inform you.

Check the source

Look at who shared the post. If it’s a friend or relative who is not directly involved with the issue or does not have expertise in the issue, do not consider the information valid.

Track down the original source of the post and find out if the source has legitimate experience, education, or expertise in the topic. Remember that being well known does not make a person trustworthy. Some specific things to research:

  • Look up the website of the source to make sure it’s legit. (A URL like CNNfactz.org is a red flag.)
  • Enter the website address in a Google search. On the right side of the screen, Google will tell you who publishes the site, when it was founded, where it is located. Next, click on the three dots next to a website’s address to get more information about the source, like when the site was first indexed by Google search engines. For example, when I look at background information about The Wall Street Journal, I find that it was first indexed or recognized by Google search engines 10 years ago. Be cautious about organizations or accounts that have been recently established and/or have few followers.

Don’t believe it just because you see it

Do not believe every photo you see and remember that images can be doctored and edited. Or pulled from an event that happened ten years ago. Get background information on an image by using Google Image Search. Instead of entering a search term, click on the camera icon and either drag an image or paste the link for the photo into the search bar. Google will share facts about the photo, stories in which it has appeared, and similar photos. Also look for obvious signs of photo editing like missing shadows.

Again, don’t re-share until you are sure

While you do this background research, by all means, do NOT re-share the post. This will just promote more viral spread and get more questionable information to more people. Instead, take a screen shot of the post and ask a trusted authority (or a couple of them) for their opinion on the post.

Put things in context

Remember that one post, snippet, or article does not tell the whole story. Read widely, and from a variety of trusted sources, about a topic to gain better insight. Take the advice of St. Francis and Stephen Covey seriously: seek to understand before being understood.

More help…

If you would like to learn more about how to combat disinformation, check out “How to avoid falling for and spreading misinformation about Ukraine” from The Washington Post. You can also consult fact checking sites like The Washington Post Fact Checker, Snopes, or Politifact. Or this article from MIC.com about evaluating images. You can also listen to this episode of Make Me Smart from Marketplace:

How do you combat mis- and disinformation? Do you have other fact checking practices and sites to recommend?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

How to encourage reading

6 Steps to make a home library

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 0 Comment

Spring is time for cleaning and organizing! Check out these tips from my guest Jennifer Anderson on setting up your personal library.

When it comes to reading locations, there’s nothing better than a library in the comfort of your own home. 

A home library, also known as a private library, is a dedicated area for all your books right in your living space. It’s the perfect spot to store favorites from your personal collection and browse for new reads — all in one conveniently located, gorgeously decorated place.

The idea of creating a private library sounds incredible, but the process can feel a bit overwhelming for those just getting started. To make things easier, we compiled all the tips you need to learn how to make a home library. Continue reading to jumpstart the process and build your perfect, private library.

1 Count Your Collection

To figure out how much space you need for your home library, you’ll want to count your current book collection. It’s also a good idea to organize your books by genre, color of the spine, or some other category. 

After you divide your collection, you might even find that you want to bulk up certain categories by purchasing more books.

2 Look Into Locations

Now that you know how many books you have and how many you want, it’s time to find your home library location. To avoid temperature changes and pests, steer clear of outside-facing walls and kitchens. 

Instead, you’ll want to choose an underused location in your home, like an awkward corner area. The most important criteria is that the room should have a window to let in natural light.

3 Think About Budget 

Before purchasing anything for your home library, you should figure out how much money you’d like to spend. First, determine the prices of the books, shelves, lights, and seating you want for your space. 

Then, look into the costs of any additional reading nook ideas you’d like to incorporate. That way, when choosing your shelves and accessories, you’ll know exactly how much to spend. 

4 Choose Your Shelving

The shelving style you choose will depend on your needs and personal style. For example, built-in shelves are permanent fixtures attached to your space. Meanwhile, freestanding shelves are detachable pieces of furniture such as bookcases. 

Within these two types, you’ll need to choose between floating, corner, hanging, or adjustable shelves, each of which offers a unique look and purpose. 

5 Add the Decorations

The next step is to find the accessories that will make your library feel like home. Add artificial lighting with desk lamps and ring lights, and choose seating that will make you and your guests feel comfortable. 

If you want to spruce up your home library even more, try painting the shelves, adding wallpaper, or placing trinkets around the space to produce a color scheme of your choice.

6 Organize Your Books

Lastly, you’ll want to organize your books in a way that makes sense for your reading needs. Some popular ways to categorize books include sorting them alphabetically, chronologically, by color of the spine, or by genre. 

If you have kids, placing children’s books on lower shelves is a great way to raise strong readers by making their favorites accessible.

Once you follow these simple tips, you’ll be that much closer to creating your own private library. For more information and tips on making a home library, take a look at the infographic below.

Thank you Jennifer!

Who I Am

Let us rise strong in HOPE

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 0 Comment

I’ve shared this poem before, but I love it so much, and desperately need it in these days of war reports and bitter divisions and struggles endured by family and friends. As the crocuses and daffodils bravely stretch out of the soil, let us also rise strong in hope.

Hope is the thing with feathers

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

My friend Jen Otey, an artist and teacher, used Dickinson’s poem into a beautiful mural that now hangs outside of our local “Pay what you can” food cafe. The cafe offers lunch every weekday and customers can either pay what they can or volunteer in exchange for the meal. They work with local farmers and gardeners to use locally produced food. It’s a project of HOPE Ministries, an organization dedicated to Helping Overcome Poverty’s Existence. A grand example of HOPE in action.

Please note the blue bird in the bottom right corner.

What are some examples of HOPE in action that you can share to make us smile?

Thanks for getting HOPEFUL with me.

Improving vocabulary

Breakdown of the political terms authoritarian, totalitarian, oligarchy

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 2 Comments

As Vladimir Putin drops bombs on major cities and military installations in Ukraine, we are once again hearing lots of loaded political words, like authoritarian, totalitarian, and oligarchy. This Word Nerd is concerned we might freely throw around these descriptors with a vague sense of their meaning, but without true understanding. So as tanks roll in to Eastern Ukraine, let’s take a look at a couple of words often used to describe Russia and its current president, Vladimir Putin.

Authoritarian

According to Britannica, authoritarian comes from the Latin root auctoritat, auctoritas, meaning opinion, decision, power. Authoritarian governments promote a blind submission to authority instead of individual freedom and choice. Such governments put power in the hands of one leader or a small elite who do not have their responsibilities outlined in a constitution or similar governing document.

Usually, authoritarian rulers exercise their power arbitrarily and the people they rule have no viable means of replacing them by fair elections. There is little to no power to create political opposition parties or organizations. Many scholars point to the military dictatorships of Latin America in the 20th century as good examples of authoritarian governments.

Authoritarianism could be considered the opposite of a democracy. It is often compared with totalitarianism, except there are a few key differences.

Totalitarianism

Totalitarianism was first used in the 1920s by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini to describe Italy as “all within the state, none outside the state, none against the state.” By the start of World War II, totalitarianism was associated with an oppressive single party government. Unlike authoritarianism, totalitarian regimes usually have a guiding ideology as well as the power to mobilize the entire population for a national goal. Think of Stalin’s Soviet Union or Germany under Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. (Thanks again, Britannica.)

Oligarchy

According to etymonline, an oligarchy is “a form of government in which supreme power is vested in a small exclusive class.” It comes from French oligarchie (14c.), from the Latinized form of Greek oligarkhia “government by the few,” from stem of oligos “few, small, little” (a word of uncertain origin) + -arkhia, from arkhein “to rule.” Merriam-Webster says that oligarchy carries the implication of corruption as well.

Muddy terms

Of course it’s hard to use just one word or term to describe something as complicated as a country and its government. Consider the May 2021 article “Russia’s Adaptive Authoritarianism” from Newlines Institute for Strategy and Policy. It says, among other things, that Russia isn’t a simple totalitarian regime. Putin is head of state, but he coordinates the desires of interest groups and elites. And the elite “doesn’t simply rule through blunt authoritarianism but has instead established a more nuanced, tightly controlled system of “managed democracy” that plays an important role in establishing legitimacy for the elite. This system effectively shares the trappings of both democracy and dictatorship.”

Yikes. Nuanced systems, managed democracy, and the active combining of democracy and dictatorship? This is exactly why we need to understand the terms we use and pay attention to the people in power.

I am by no means an expert in political science. I am just a concerned citizen trying to get a handle on world events and the best way to describe them. If you can add further clarification to the terms authoritarian, totalitarian, or oligarchy, please do so in the comments!

What political terms are you pondering these days?

Thanks for getting nerdy with me!

Who I Am

Kindness requires us to think more about others

Posted on by Julia Tomiak / 2 Comments
Cover of The Book of Joy

I’m desperately trying to figure out how to bring more happiness into this world. I’m looking everywhere- the Bible, Buddhism, Kelly Corrigan, Reasons to Be Cheerful, and books, including The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World. This wonderful book is a collection of interviews between two spiritual giants, the current Dalai Lama, a Buddhist in exile from Tibet, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, a Christian from South Africa. Both men have insightful things to say about happiness, suffering, loss, and what we need to do to get along better. I highly recommend. It’s not religious, it’s spiritual, and a much needed read at this time.

Regarding happiness, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop agree we need to think less about ourselves and spend more time thinking about others. The Dalai Lama says:

The only thing that will bring happiness is affection and warmheartedness… We are social animals, and cooperation is necessary for our survival, but cooperation is entirely based on trust. When there is trust, people are brought together– whole nations are brought together. When you have a more compassionate mind and cultivate warmheartedness, the whole atmosphere around you becomes more positive and friendlier… With too much self-focus your vision becomes narrow, and with this even a small problem appears out of proportion and unbearable.

The Dalai Lama, The Book of Joy by Douglas Abrams

I feel like, at least in America, we are definitely thinking about ourselves A LOT. My social media posts, my freedoms, my rights, my sacrifices. Concern for others often falls low on the collective priority list. No wonder we are currently flooded with anxiety, anger, and distrust.

The etymology of kindness

The Dalai Lama is definitely onto something, especially when we look at the etymology of kindness. According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, kindness derives from the Old English word kyndnes which meant “nation,” also “produce, an increase.” It also has roots in the word kin, as in one’s family, race or relations, as in “friendly, deliberately doing good to others,” from Middle English kinde, from Old English (ge)cynde “natural, native, innate,” originally “with the feeling of relatives for each other.” By the 13th century, kindness came to mean “courtesy, noble deeds, kind feelings, and the quality or habit of being kind”.

Do you notice what I do here? The word kindness is rooted in our relationships with others (feeling of relatives for each other) and our nation. Happiness cannot be achieved by focusing merely on me. We need more we, less me. We will all enjoy more happiness when we all do a better job of thinking of the collective we, of embracing kind feelings, and exhibiting kind habits.

How do you see kindness around you, and what do you do to share it?

Honestly, I like the cover underneath the sleeve even better than the sleeve!

And please consider getting a copy of The Book of Joy. My friend Lynne says the audio book is done very well.

Thank you to Joseph Terrell for inspiring this look at the etymology of kindness (check out his comment here) and Online Etymology Dictionary, Macmillian Dictionary Blog, and Speak Media for information about kindness.

Thanks for being kind with me!