I am a worrier. I often remind my husband, when he tells me not to worry, that I come from a long line of worriers, as if this tradition of my mother and her mother always worrying validates my tendency to fret. As if my habit of jumping to the worst case scenario in my head is perfectly normal, acceptable behavior.
Well, it’s not.
The Problem
Here’s the problem with worrying: it doesn’t DO anything. Wait, that’s not true. It makes my stomach hurt and steals hours of sleep when I need them the most. It encourages me to snap but not to solve the problem I’m churning over. It also usually annoys the people I’m worried about. So a more accurate statement is:
Worrying doesn’t accomplish anything productive.
My husband, ever calm, ever rational, has told me this for years, and I’ve always gotten mad when he said it. But finally, after decades of entertaining this bad habit, I’m tired of suffering its consequences. I’m tired in general, and I don’t have the precious energy to waste on fretting.
I’m ready to confront my worrying.
First, I’m trying to find the root of the problem. I think it has something to do with my need for predictability and control. I have a spreadsheet for our sports schedule and a specific method for loading groceries onto the checkout belt (produce first, then cold stuff, followed by boxes and cans, then the items I don’t want crushed). Worrying is my futile attempt to control my world. Finally, at age 46, I’m understanding that I actually have very little control over the world, and if I accept that, I’ll be a happier gal.
Second, I’m going to break the habit with a few new tools.
The Solution
Lent has started, and each year during this season I practice three disciplines to bring me closer to God: prayer, fasting, and acts of service. I always fast from sweets and Coke during Lent to “detox” (don’t underestimate my addiction to Coke; this truly is a sacrifice for me.) This year I’m also fasting from worry, but I’m going to need a system to help me.
I will create a “worry journal” in which I will write down the things that trouble me. I will find scripture or quotes to put next to my concerns, so that when my head starts to spin with worrisome thoughts, I will use the scripture/quotes as prayers and mantras to counteract the fretting. I also hope the physical act of writing down my fears will contain them in the pages of my journal and keep them from creating havoc in my head.
To strengthen my ability to control my thoughts, I’ve started practicing meditation with the help of an app called Insight. (Thank you, daughter.) It has a timer as well as a library of guided meditations searchable by theme and length. My friend Sarah B. Rawz has great tips for meditation on her blog that I’m using too. I’ve only done this for a few days, and for ten minutes or less, but I’m hoping to make it a habit. A productive one to replace the pointless one.
I told my family about my plan, and my people are understandably dubious. My son asked if I would burn the journal at the end of Lent, but I think not. Sometimes, it’s instructive to look back on what you’ve worried about once you know how everything plays out. And, I think I’m going to need this worry journal for longer than six weeks. As my dear friend Kristen pointed out, “This is a tough year for worrying.” My oldest son will leave for college this fall. I’ll have one son starting high school and another starting middle school. My daughter will get her driver’s license this summer.
Lots of worry fodder there. I’ll be ready to not worry.
Is worrying a problem for you? How do you handle it? Do you have any Lenten practices to share?
Thanks for stopping by!
What helps me when I find myself worrying too much is prayer, meditation, and exercise. Thoughts create energy, and worrying thoughts create negative energy, depleting a person. What one focuses on grows.
I also remind myself that all the worrying, without action, does nothing to affect the outcome, (like what your husband said), so I think over what I can do about a situation and what I can’t control.
In prayer, I repeat the promises of God that I’ve underlined in my bible, especially Isaiah 41:10 -13 and 43: 2 . Actually I find myself re-reading the book of Isaiah.
Be well.
This is wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing. It affirms what I was thinking and inspires me even more!
I love your solutions (and I will definitely not tell you about the five new flavors Diet Coke just put in my grocery store…after Lent 🙂 I’m proud of you! I am a firm believer that we are the drivers in our life, the master of our universe, the protagonist in our own story. We can change the things we want to change – even in our 40’s. I’ll be looking forward to how this ends and if it helps. As for the grocery store checkout order of things – I TOTALLY RELATE!!!
I look forward to hearing how this exercise works for you, Julia. I am also a worrier, and a pre-worrier. I worry about things that I may have to worry about. And I’m fairly certain it’s a control/planning thing for me – if I know it’s coming, I can better handle it. I know that thinking is flawed, but still. I talk things out with my husband, my mother or sister, or friends…often times just voicing the worry gives it less power.
Oh goodness, I am a worrier as well. My sister, too. Everything from a “relaxing” (husband’s version) day at a pool with the kids (it was NEVER relaxing to have two kids under 5 around a busy swimming pool and having kids aged 9 and 5 isn’t much better), to news of a recent school shooting has me losing sleep and wondering what I can do to protect my children. I don’t know how to help this. Sometimes I read books that are designed to take me away (aka, MG/YA fantasy), but those really just comfort me in backward ways–in the fact that bad things happen and we deal with them as they come. And that bravery takes many forms. And that caring so much is a testament to character, but that worrying doesn’t do much do prevent the world’s ills, and it certainly doesn’t do much in the ill’s aftermaths. Tough stuff, hugs to you!
I’ve been getting a lot of great feedback on this post- seems that worrying is intrinsically tied to motherhood! I feel better knowing I’m not alone (I’ve always known I’m not, but sometimes it helps to hear it again.) Thank you for sharing, and I hope you can find productive ways to manage the worry long term.