My oldest child has just completed his first year of college, and what a fabulous experience he had. He challenged himself academically, physically, and socially. He struck a successful balance between study and play. He found wonderful friends, including his roommate. And he and I established a rhythm for communication that gave him enough space, yet allowed me to feel connected.
When people ask him about college, he says, “College is great! Ten out of ten recommend.”
The goal of parenting is to launch, and my son has happily launched.
So why do I still get sad?
I’ve been prepping my son for college for the past 15 years, but the transition hit me harder than I expected. I approached moving day with a brave face, lugging linens and clothes up to the dorm room and helping just a little with organizing. When it came time to go, I said a quick goodbye and cleared out before the water works began in earnest. I was proud of myself.
But two days later, middle son, who wanted to claim some much deserved space, asked for help cleaning out oldest son’s room. I agreed, unaware of the emotional hurricane that was about to hit. With each photo I unpinned from the bulletin board, the realization that things would never be the same sank in deeper and harder. Soon, I was a mess of blinding tears and high pitched sobs. Middle son stood perplexed beside me, holding a dust cloth and asking, “Mom, are you okay?”
That was my low point.
Since then, I’ve adjusted. Somewhat. I can leave after a visit without shedding tears, but sometimes, sadness unexpectedly pops up, like when one of his siblings says something that reminds me so much of him that my throat closes and I have to blink away the heat rising in my eyes. My most recent relapse occurred when I realized he wouldn’t be home for his birthday for the first time ever. I needed a hug from a dear friend to recover.
A few weeks ago, I found a name for the emotions I’ve been grappling with for the past nine months: grief. No one has died, but a season of my life is gone. And oldest son is just the first domino to fall. Soon, I will only have two children at home. Then none. Over the next few years, the daily pattern of my life will change dramatically. This is a sobering and sometimes overwhelming thought.
But, naming my experience – grief – empowers me to deal with it more effectively. I must be kind and patient with myself during the grieving process, but I must not wallow. Change is hard for me, but it’s not necessarily bad.
Instead of clutching onto the past, I can open my heart to the possibilities that lie ahead for my children and me, and honestly, opening feels better than clutching. I will see new places as my children’s worlds expand. I will pursue some of the interests I’ve limited or put on hold for the past two decades. And, as counter intuitive as it sounds, by giving my children space to grow, I believe I will eventually find myself closer to them. Maybe not physically, but in other ways.
Speaking of staying close, I’ve decided to embrace the social media /communication platform my kids like the most. Currently, that’s Snap Chat. I don’t exactly understand why everything has to come with an often goofy and crooked photo, but when I “snap” them, they respond quickly, and I get a glimpse of their world (often a classroom ceiling) or a precious face. A friend calls it “proof of life”.
As a mother, I often feel multiple emotions at the same time- pride, happiness, worry, grief- that’s just for one child. No wonder it’s so exhausting! But as challenging as this gig is, I know it’s making me a better person, and I know great things are in store, if I just open up and embrace the change.
For all you moms out there getting ready to launch a child, this is for you. Open your heart and embrace the change. And let me know if you need a hug. Thank you to Dana of Kiss My List for introducing me to the concept of “embrace”. 🙂
How do you deal with big changes?
Thanks for getting nerdy with me!
Oh my word, this post made me cry. Seriously. “No one has died, but a season of my life is gone.” I am going to lose it big time when my littles leave home for college.
I didn’t mean to make you cry! (Although I cried while writing it!) Hopefully when your littles leave for college you will remember to embrace the change. It’s hard, but it’s all good. 🙂
Julia, this is wonderful. You capture so much of what I have felt and am currently feeling. I’m glad you are finding the “embrace” approach helpful, and thank you for the reminder to focus on that.
Opening feels better than clutching, for sure. Oh, and I have a 574 day Snapchat streak with my soon-to-be college senior 😊
Dana, I’m glad the post resonated with you. So much of what you write is helpful to me, I’m happy you got something from the Word Nerd! I don’t have a streak going yet, but perhaps I’ll make that a goal (and just not tell them). It’s fun to see their faces– even if I’m only getting one eyeball and most of the nose. 😉