I love it when a book I’m reading gives me a light bulb moment and I realize I need to seriously change my perspective or my behavior. That’s what happened the other night while I was reading Becoming, Michelle Obama’s memoir.
The light bulb had nothing to do with politics or race. It had everything to do with being a busy wife and mother who feels exhausted and overwhelmed.
When Barack Obama served as an Illinois state senator, he spent many days every week away from home. This created tension in his marriage with Michelle, who also worked outside of the home and cared for their two young daughters.
The tension got so bad that Michelle suggested they go to marriage counseling. Barack agreed, and Michelle went into counseling expecting validation for all of the things she thought were wrong in her marriage.
Instead, she realized what she was doing wrong. She says:
I began to see that there were ways I could be happier and that they didn’t necessarily need to come from Barack’s quitting politics… I’d been stoking the most negative parts of myself, caught up in the notion that everything was unfair and then assiduously, like a Harvard-trained lawyer, collecting evidence to feed that hypothesis. I now tried a new hypothesis: It was possible that I was more in charge of my happiness than I was allowing myself to be.
Michelle Obama, Becoming
Wow. Being in charge of my own happiness. Now, that’s a concept I’ve forgotten of late. My marriage is great, my kids are fantastic, but I’m tired and overwhelmed and often feel like there is not enough time for everything I want and need to do. I spin myself into a grumpy knot of resentment and exhaustion and am helpful and loving to no one.
That’s not the way I want to do this gig.
I have a magnet hanging on my fridge:
Perhaps it’s been there so long I’ve become numb to the message. It’s time to change that.
I can be happy. I can choose to do things each day that bring me joy. Yes, I will still have the laundry and weeding and bills and deadlines and groceries and all the things I don’t like. But I can have the good things too, and I can focus on them instead of what drains me.
I’m not done with Becoming yet, but when I am, I’ll give you a full review, including more nuggets of wisdom from an intelligent, thoughtful woman.
You know she went to Princeton and then Harvard Law, right?
Thanks for getting nerdy with me!
This moment spoke to me too! A smack in the booty to remind myself, not to focus on the 5-10% of things that can frustrate me at home or at work. But I need to pivot my lense to see all the good, beautiful and lovely things in my world.
The other part I loved is the whole “fulfilled conversation” she had with her mom…
And the part about there are no “part-time” working mamas.
Thanks for your wonderful reminders 😍
I needed this–thank you! Added this to my must-read list!
I’m really enjoying it. The first part was slow for me, but it gets very interesting as Michelle contemplates her career and how to balance career, family, and the increasingly public life of her husband.