On a recent Tuesday night, I pulled up a chair to the dining room table of my dear friend to share pork barbecue and laughter with a beloved circle of women. We first met in the early 2000s, coaching each other through nursing and napping via our weekly playgroup meetings. In the two decades that have passed, we’ve collectively birthed 21 babies and wrangled those children through toddler hood to adolescence, successfully launching 20 of them to college. (I still have one in the nest.)
In our small town of 8000, this group of friends offered me more support than I ever found living in the bigger cities of Virginia. These women delivered food to my house while I recovered from the births of babies two, three, and four. (Note, baby number three weighed 10 and a half pounds and brought my most difficult recovery.) These friends also watched my toddlers so I could go for a run or run to Walmart. One actually jogged with me for a while, each of us pushing our hefty 18 month olds in running strollers up the hills that define our southwest Virginia home.
Recently, these same women brought dinners to my family while I was away caring for my ailing father. They sent flowers and cards of encouragement throughout his illness and stood by me when he died.
Collectively, the women who sat with me around that table have faced, themselves or in loved ones, at least seven cancer diagnoses. We’ve also navigated mental health crises, alcoholism, and the challenges of caring for aging parents. We’ve lost mothers and fathers and grieved a still born grandchild.
Our group has done a lot of living, and through it, we’ve gained a lot of wisdom. The hostess of the party, who was preparing to launch the last of her three children, recognized this. She asked if each of us would share one piece of advice with her 18 year old daughter before she moved to college. We immediately smiled, clapping our hands with enthusiasm and knitting our brows in thought. The 18 year old dropped her head, and her mama cried. Here’s what we came up with:
Advice before you leave for college
- Enjoy every minute. Four years go by fast.
- Take advantage of all the opportunities available to you – take weird classes, explore new ideas, study abroad
- Know that it is very dangerous to be very drunk at a fraternity party, or any kind of party. Always stay in a group of trusted friends when you go out.
- Keep track of your dorm key!
- Don’t let having a significant other from high school stop you from going to places or events or meeting new people.
- Everyone wants someone to sit with at dinner. Don’t be afraid to ask someone to join you or to join someone else.
- There will never be another time when you will be surrounded by so many people your age with similar priorities and interests – and with different interests. Take advantage of the environment and engage with lots of people.
- The people you befriend in college could become life long companions – be excited about that.
- Be a good friend and lean on your friends.
- Never drink anything you didn’t open or order or pour yourself.
- It might take awhile for you to find your true friends, and that’s okay. Your first year often looks very different from your later years of college.
- (This from the only woman under 23 at the table and a college student athlete.) Figure out what works for you re: sleeping, eating, and studying. Don’t feel like you have to do what everybody else does.
Personally, I think I should make a poster out of this and sell it on Etsy. 😉 Thoughts?
We gathered that evening to celebrate birthdays, but we found so much more. Friendship, wisdom, and love, that hopefully the young women at the table felt and will go out into the world to share in their own ways.
Good luck to the newly launched, and love and hugs to all of the wise mamas (and fathers) out there. We’ve got this.
I know the 18 year olds pretend that we are stupid, but deep down, I think they soak up our advice, even if they never admit it. Especially if it doesn’t come directly from a parental unit. So, please share.
Thank you to Stacey, Mary, Norma, Gretchen, Tatum, Angie, Caroline, and Susan. 🙂
What advice would you add to this list before I sell it on Etsy?
Thanks for getting thoughtful with me!
